Self-compassion – the ability to be kind to ourselves - Smart TMS

At Smart TMS, we like to equip our patients with tools they can use outside TMS treatment to help on their mental health journey and quality of life.

One of the tools Roxy, our Hampshire practitioner thinks is very important is cultivating self-compassion.  

Research indicates that self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of coping and resilience we have available to us. It has the ability to radically improve our mental and physical well-being. It is one of the fundamental techniques used in many types of therapy such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. 

Self-compassion is about giving oneself the same compassion you would give to others if they were struggling. Very often, we don’t realize how harsh our inner dialogue is when we make a mistake or are having a bad day. We say to ourselves things we would never say to anyone else. 

Tapping into the threat-defence system

When we criticize ourselves we tap into the body’s threat-defence system, which is one of the quickest ways we react to perceived danger. Compassion and self-compassion are linked to the mammalian care system, therefore when we are compassionate towards ourselves we feel safe and cared for. Self-compassion helps to downregulate the threat response and instead activate the care system. In turn, feel-good brain chemicals such as oxytocin and endorphins are released, which helps reduce stress and increases feelings of safety and security. 

3 elements of self-compassion: 

Self-kindness vs Self judgement

Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry.  

Common humanity vs. Isolation 

At times, when we are suffering or making a mistake, that is accompanied by an irrational sense of isolation – as if ‘I’ were the only person suffering or making mistakes. However, the very definition of being ‘human’ means that one is mortal, vulnerable and imperfect. Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and making mistakes are part of the human experience – something we all go through. 

Mindfulness vs Over-identification 

Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes their thoughts and feelings as they are, without suppressing or denying them. We cannot feel compassion towards our feelings if we suppress them, nor can we be mindful if we over-identify with thoughts and feelings and are swept away by negative reactivity. 

Below, you can find an exercise that will help you notice and change your critical self-talk so you can replace it with self-compassion. 

This exercise should be done over several weeks and will eventually form the blueprint for changing how you relate to yourself long-term. Some people find it useful to work on their inner critic by writing in a journal. Others are more comfortable doing it via internal dialogues. If you are someone who likes to write things down and revisit them later, journaling can be an excellent tool for transformation. If you are someone who never manages to be consistent with a journal, then do whatever works for you. You can speak aloud to yourself, or think silently. 

1. The first step towards changing the way to treat yourself is to notice when you are being self-critical. It may be that – like many of us — your self-critical voice is so common for you that you don’t even notice when it is present. Whenever you’re feeling bad about something, think about what you’ve just said to yourself. Try to be as accurate as possible, noting your inner speech verbatim. What words do you actually use when you’re self-critical? Are there key phrases that come up over and over again? What is the tone of your voice – harsh, cold, angry? Does the voice remind you of anyone in your past who was critical of you? You want to get to know the inner self-critic very well and become aware of when your inner judge is active. For instance, if you’ve just eaten half a box of Oreos, does your inner voice say something like “you’re so disgusting,” “you make me sick,” and so on? Really try to get a clear sense of how you talk to yourself. 
2. Make an active effort to soften the self-critical voice, but do so with compassion rather than self-judgment (i.e., don’t say “you’re such a bitch” to your inner critic!). Say something like “I know you’re worried about me and feel unsafe, but you are causing me unnecessary pain. Could you let my inner compassionate self say a few words now?”
3. Reframe the observations made by your inner critic in a friendly, positive way. If you’re having trouble thinking of what words to use, you might want to imagine what a very compassionate friend would say to you in this situation. It might help to use a term of endearment that strengthens expressed feelings of warmth and care (but only if it feels natural). While engaging in this supportive self-talk, you might want to try gently stroking your arm, or holding your face tenderly in your hands. Physical gestures of warmth can tap into the caregiving system even if you’re having trouble calling up emotions of kindness at first, releasing oxytocin that will help change your biochemistry. The important thing is that you start acting kindly, and feelings of true warmth and caring will eventually follow.

Author, Roxy,

Smart TMS Hampshire Practitioner

Reference: This exercise is taken from Dr. Kristin Neff’s website www.self-compassion.org